I'm not going to make any New Year resolutions this year. The fact of the matter is, I honestly think that NYR are pretty stupid. It is made to be broken; so why waste the effort at all? Anyway, that stupid thing aside.

Before I continue, I must first state that this blog will not be updated regularly as far as I know. And when I do create an entry, do not expect it to be rosy or cheery or dotted with smiles and laughter. This is not what the next few entries are going to be about. And neither is that going to be the central theme of this entry either. So, if you suffer from depression, psychosis or other deep, dark mental disorders-medically certified or self-certified emos- I suggest you leave cause I've a feeling your condition will worsen when you get to the end of the post.

You've been warned.

I've told a friend before of how much my love life seems to be a joke. It seems to be even more of a joke when rejections come at significant moments in life, be it academically or otherwise, like birthdays and more recently, post Christmas. Typically, I do not resign to a higher being. I do not like my life to be controlled by somebody else and I find it hard to subscribe to Cosmic being who controls my life like a pawn on the chess-set. (If there is, I really would want to go bash him or her up). But after the latest episode, I've pretty much resigned, at least and hopefully at most, my love life to Providence. Yes, I'm no longer going to question Providence as to why my love life is so much shit.

I do not intend to recount the entire falling in love-courtship-failed courtship-rejection period in this entry. It's probably too long and much too noisy because I will be barraged by a multitude of thoughts, reprimands and other voices inside my head. I will go mad. Instead, what I would like to do is to just let it all out about the post-rejection period. Yes, I think this is what this blog is going to be about from now onwards. It's going to be an outlet.

Do not get mistaken. While I do not like to drone and moan and mop around so much about the past, this particular incident has really gotten to me. I know you probably heard this before somewhere "But she feels different". Hell I'm gonna say it anyhow.

She feels different.

Unlike the previous, I honestly felt that I stood a sliver of a chance in actually sealing the deal here. But well, if shit doesn't happen to my love life, it wouldn't be my love life.

Moving on. Aforementioned, I've been trying and trying and trying to move on. Believe me when I said I tried. And I sincerely thought I was covering ground. At least, I thought I did until she began to start smsing me and asking me about how I was feeling. Perhaps this 'rejection business' is fresh to her. Theoretically, the girl isn't supposed to give a rat's ass about the guy's feelings, social well-being or mental state until the guy initiates conversation with her once again. The question is, when will the guy do that. Some guys do. The majority do not. And that is what I believe, which was further confirmed in the sms, that she was indeed worried that I will forever never ever speak to her ever again. I will be lying if that thought didn't cross my mind.

But as history would had shown, I do not often preach what I say. For instance, I'm speaking to Sam now. And quite regularly in fact. So yes, I will speak to Leanne. But, it's just a question of time.

I admit that the sms did come as a surprise. Pleasant surprise? That, on hindsight, I'm not sure. Because what was killing her then, is now killing me. I shall summarise. In short, the girl is worried that

• I'm not going to talk to her and hence she loses me as a friend and I too lose her as a friend
• She feels bad that she misled me throughout the past few moons and not pulling the trigger earlier, thereby causing me much distress and emo-ness in the few months

• She feels bad that I was so nice despite being rejected and felt she had to do something about it

I'm going to strike out point 1 because obviously, that worry is not unfounded. I'm speaking to her and vice versa. I'm going to strike out point 2 because a couple of nights ago, in the midst of a discussion, I learned that she is over about it. Then comes point 3 which took some persuasion, jokes and some lying from me.

The person who said lying kills wasn't joking. Lying does kill, one way or another.

That night, I had to lie that I was in fact more or less over her. Well in some sense it does harbour a shade of truth but it's ambiguous still. I had to lie I was okay and give that stupid smilely face when I was not. All in my mind, my objective was to get her to stop brooding and feeling bad. You might think that I'm indirectly portraying myself as a Saint or some really nice guy. But to tell you the truth, I'm not a nice person as the majority put me out to be. For starters, I lied. And it's killing me. It's killing me because the care she showed after the rejection just made me remember why I became weak and succumbed to this fatal attraction.

Sharon has been telling me to not think about it. But how can I not? I just saw her today and might even see her again like twice next week. It kind of feels like death is imminent. But you just got to smile and pretend everything is okay because...she knows. And if she knows, she will go through all that thing again and I don't want it. The idea of shutting down communication from her did cross my mind. But while I eliminated that thought yesterday, I am considering it today. I might even implement it tomorrow. Silly isn't it?

Why does it break and hurt so?